Tommy Cooper

(For my American cousins Tommy Cooper was a British comedian who did silly tricks and always wore a fez. He made people laugh because of his style of handling one liners). Some examples:

My wife had a go at me last night. She said ‘You’ll drive me to my grave’.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn’t it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

I said to the waiter, I said ‘This chicken I’ve got is cold’.
He said ‘I should think so. It’s been dead for two weeks’.
‘Not only that’, I said, ‘It’s got one leg shorter than the other’.
He said ‘What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?’

I’m on a whisky diet,
I’ve lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
‘I’ve got water in the carburettor,
I said ‘Where’s the car’
She said ‘In the river’

“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ”
“Is it common? ”
“It’s not unusual.”

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
‘what are you going to do with it?’
I said ‘I’m going to race it’.
He said ‘by the look of it, I think you’ll beat it.’

“So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’
And a voice said ‘You are.'”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’
He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho Cha Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.

Do you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine.”
So that was nice.

A waiter asks a man, ‘May I take your order, sir?’
‘Yes,’ the man replies. ‘I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?’
‘Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”

Answer phone message “….If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key….”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

Thomas Frederick “Tommy” Cooper (19 March 1921 – 15 April 1984

Thanks Tommy